Don’t Get Off the Bus
(A Mothers Words of Warning to A Stubborn Daughter)
“The dark night of the soul comes just before revelation. When everything is lost, and all seems darkness, then comes the new life and all that is needed.” Joseph Campbell
My mom, (Lula Mae) passed away 4 years ago on November 18th. To say our relationship was “complicated” would be an understatement. Lula Mae was a product of “Inter-Generation Racial Trauma”, as was her mother, and her mother’s mother, etc. It was the main reason I got involved and train to do Ancestor Lineage Repair.
Lula Mae has come to me twice in dreams since her passing. The first was July of 2016. I dreamt I was back in my old neighborhood in San Francisco, Laurel Heights. I was crossing the street to go to the Walgreens. Something told me to go visit my mom who use to live a few blocks away. Instead of cross the street I continue towards my mom’s old apartment on California between Lyon and Baker. Just as I walked away the lights went out in the Walgreens and there was an implosion! Unconcerned, I continued on my way, but with a sense of urgency! As I walked just as I passed, the building would implode and collapse! Block after block, until instead of finding myself at my apartment I grew up in, I found myself downtown San Francisco in front of an old gothic high-rise apartment building. I knew my mom was inside. I went in and went to the 17th floor. I got out and my mom came out of her apartment with a black dog beside her. The door to her apartment faced a bay window overlooking Market Street. We watch as skyscraper after skyscraper imploded and collapsed, until the skyscraper a few feet away from us imploded. I told my mom we should pray and joined hands with her. We felt the energy/fireball pass over our heads and hit the skyscraper next to us which imploded and collapsed. My mom looked at me and told me: “You will be fine.”
I interpreted the dream that Trump would win the election and all of what we see happening now would occur. “The Towers have to tumble for Order to be Restored.”
Six months ago, I had another dream where my mom visited me. This time we were on a beautiful double decker bus. The bus was carpeted, luxury leather reclining seats, soft lighting, etc. The bus held myself and what felt like other Ancestors. We stopped for what I can assume to fuel the bus. I realized I needed to go to the bathroom. In real life and in the dream, I have an “issue” of using the restroom on a bus, even though now thinking about it the restroom of this particular bus, would probably would have “meet my needs.”
I told my mom I would use the rest break to go to the bathroom at the bus station. My mom looked over at me with a very serious expression and said, “Don’t Get Off the Bus!” I assured her I would only be gone a few minutes. Once again in a very serious tone she reaffirmed, “Don’t Miss the Bus!”
I smiled and told her I’d be fine, and descended the spiral staircase and went into the station.
The station was painted the old drab color from the sixties of a beige/pink. The walls were cracked and the paint falling off. The restroom was not marked and I accidentally went into the Men’s Room. The urinals on the walls were hanging off, and the stalls were over flowing with human waste.
I retreated and went into what I can only assume was the Women’s Room. The room had no walls and no toilets. There was only a hole in the floor and people, both men and women, were walking in and out with no purpose that was easily seen. I finally gave up and headed back to the bus that was no longer at the station! A young Black Women came up to me, distressed and said, “You need to get out of here! It’s not safe after dark for people like us.” “Do you know where the bus went?” I inquired?” “It’s gone! You missed it!” Somehow, I wasn’t afraid, I just closed my eyes and I was back sitting next to my mom. Once again, she looked sternly at me, but with a dry smile and said, “I told you not to get off the bus!”
For several months, my friends, my therapist and myself have tried to figured out what the meaning of the dream was. My mom is one of my Spirit Guides who always has deep and profound messages for me. I knew it was important and once again I felt a sense of urgency to decipher it.
AND…one of the messages I’ve been getting is that some things need to be experienced to be understood!
Like all the women on my mom’s side of the family we have hard heads, which my Grandmother use to say made soft behinds!
I had been getting for several years that it was time to make changes in my life. I had outgrown where I was living, and need to move back to Oakland. I had been on a five-year sabbatical and I had work back in Oakland. I use the “excuse” that the housing market was ridiculous and I would NEVER find a space in my price range.
I got a very strong message that I had outgrown the store I had worked at for seven and a half years. I felt comfortable there, and had a strong client base. I was told that I needed to think bigger and to believe and have faith that it was time to expand and trust in the process.
So, being me, I started “negotiating” with Spirit and My Guides. “Well I need this assurance, and this, and this…” Some of my requests seemed basic and not that outlandish, others where a “bit much.” I kept extending time and letting them know I wasn’t ready to “move on.”
I guess they had enough! I got a notice one night coming back to a place and a family I had lived for 5 years that the owner was selling the house and I had 45 days to find a place! I went to my Guides and argued with them that “this wasn’t what we agreed upon! I wasn’t ready, I had no game plan.” To me they seemed silent. I felt lost, betrayed and all alone.
I had been here before 15 years earlier. I had been in a career I hated, but had gotten “comfortable” in. I had a beautiful apartment a block from Lake Merritt in Oakland. I was making a salary in the high five digits; I was in a Spiritual Community that had been a part of my life for over a decade. I was a member of a popular coven. And I was in a relationship of five years that was as “solid” as anything else in my life.
I was initiated on the Harmonic Accordance in 2004. I was entering my Death Card Year. A few months after my initiation: my career of 13 years crumbled, my coven tossed me out, I had to leave my “dream apartment,” and my relationship transitioned to purely friendship. All the things that kept me “safe and secure” aka “weighted down and trapped” ended!
I cursed Spirit, My Guides, hell everything that made me a witch! After I licked my wounds I reached out to close friends and found the support I need to recoup. I started to embrace my gifts, my path.
And here I am again! One would think I would understand and “lean into the change?” Instead I became resentful. How dare I be asked to give up what little “security” I had gain..again! What more did Spirit want from me? I fought and fought until time ran out. I slowly moved my stuff into storage, and surrendered, but still with no game plan.
The thing with me is, from the time I can remember, and having it literally beaten into me. You DON’T ask for help! Those who know me know, I have no problem helping with a free reading, spiritual counseling, or just a shoulder to cry on, but to ask for help, a cold chill comes over me! Strong Black Women never show weakness! Strong Black Women never seem “needy!” Strong Black Women keep everything bottled up inside and keep moving even if they have nowhere to go! Scarier still, what if no one responses to their call for help?
My friend who was helping me moved asked where are I was going to stay? I was honest and said I have no idea. She looked at me as if I was insane, and I couldn’t argue against her! She typed in a request for assistance for any funds and a car. Within a few days I had a car that I’ve been borrowed for over a month, and enough money to get me up to Grass Valley, CA where I had the use of an amazing room and woke up to the: Sun, Oak and Redwood Trees! Yes, we arrived to a power outage and no running water due to the well was on an eclectic pump, and fire scares, but it was still away from the Bay Area. I found a job at the local Metaphysical store the day after I arrived! My second reading at the store I got a Five Star Yelp Review, even though I did the reading at the front counter because I couldn’t get cell phone reception in the back!
And soon my time to leave had arrived! I found myself once again cursing my Guides! Why couldn’t I find housing in Grass Valley. I was starting to get use to the easy way of life. The local stores and friendly folk. Why couldn’t I find a home?!!!
And then the Darkness set in. A feeling of such deep tiredness hit. I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. My friend who had brought me up North, talked me off that cliff! I contacted her Feri teacher and they give me a Guide to work with that brought me threw that darkness.
Even though I had been blessed with a beautiful place to stay and recoup, even though I had the use of a car to get me around town to look for housing, to go to the library and work on my website, even though I had clients who reached out and found me to continue to provide Spiritual Counseling, even though I found a job immediately at the local Metaphysical store and had extremely satisfied clients. I could not see My Guides and Spirit had not deserted me! I was too wrapped up in my own despair and hopelessness! The perfect manifestation had not appeared!!!
And I realized that this was something that was from my past. The fear of not being secure, having a “safe home”, feeling like I belong. With my therapist I realized even when I was married, I had a bag packed, “just in case.” I never moved anywhere that every box was unpacked. Home is my greatest desire and my deepest fear!
Being the curious witch that I am, I started talking to some of my friends, associates, and clients. A large majority had experienced a feeling of “darkness” in their life recently. Even when most things in their life felt stable and secure. And especially if they were being guided to take the next step in their Spiritual Growth and Evolution.
In my journey of “self-discovery” I received a powerful reading that confirmed a lot of the messages that I had been getting in my own daily meditation.
TRUE Lightworkers are the ones who are to be the beacons for those to not get lost in the “darkness” that is coming and will consume all joy and hope! There are those of us who are already experiencing this darkness! It is important to not get lost, to reach out, to ask for help, and to not allow yourself to become isolate in your deepest fear! That’s why I’m reaching out to my Community. I have an opportunity to finally establish a home, a community, a place to heal and to be healed. I know without a doubt my purpose, and I am trying to stay “flexible” enough to not DEMAND from Spirit but to be open to receiving!
That said I have established a Go Fund Me Page. The funds received will go to find a landing pad aka a place to live in the Bay Area. I know one way or another I will get through this phase, and I can go on record as being TOTALLY TRANSPARENT in my process of evolution and growth!
I finally figured out that the Bus represents my connection to My Guides and Ancestors. And getting off the bus is giving in to the Dark Thoughts and losing connection to Spirit and My Higher Self.
So, Mom, you were right about, “not getting off the bus”. I tried it and almost didn’t “make it back on!” I’m on for good now, and have no plans on trying any “rest room” off the bus again!
Please, if you are having thoughts of suicide or have deep bouts of depression, contact your local Suicide Prevention Hotline, or the